Fëanáro's Epic Fail: Loopholes
by fantasychica37
Summary: For an unbreakable Oath that called on the three most sacred names in Eä, the greatest of the Noldor really didn't put much thought into it... And now Mandos has terrible grammar!
1. Chapter 1

Curufinwë Fëanáro returned to awareness slowly. He was standing- or, rather, he _was_, for he had no body now, before a very tall and very unamused Námo, Lord of Mandos.

Now only a naked fëa before the Doomsman of the Valar, who had indeed doomed him on their last meeting, Fëanáro quailed.

"Son of Finwë," Námo intoned. "Your crimes in life have been heinous and many. Ye have committed the first violence in Aman, incited rebellion and the slaying of your own kin, and taken the three most sacred names in Eä in a dreadful Oath."

Fëanáro could not meet the Vala's eyes, so terrible was he in his wrath to the fëar in his Halls.

"And," Námo added, "for such a dreadful, unbreakable Oath designed to ensure the retrieval of that which ye held most precious in Eä, it was incredibly poorly thought-out."

That caught the Elda's anger, and he was about to utter a scathing reply when the Lord of Mandos began to recite in a chilling voice,

"Be he foe or friend, be he foul or clean  
Brood of Morgoth or bright Vala,  
Elda or Maia or Aftercomer,  
Man yet unborn upon Middle-earth..."

Hearing it again, horror coursed through Fëanáro as he realized that there was something missing. He had made a critical mistake.

The Noldo went pale (as much as a disembodied fëa could) as the Lord of Mandos told him gravely, "Fëanáro, not only did you forget about the Avari and the Dwarves- who, by the way, will try to steal a Silmaril in several centuries' time- _you forgot about Morgoth."_

Thus the punishment of Curufinwë Fëanáro for his many fell deeds and his staining of the land of Aman was the knowledge that he had made the single most epic fail in the history of Eä.


	2. Chapter 2: Námo's Epic Grammatical Fail

Fëanáro passed much time in shock and despair.

But, being Fëanáro, his thoughts eventually turned from grief at having pledged his life to a cause so lamely... to REVENGE.

How could he make the Lord of Mandos suffer as he himself had suffered? _First that oath- "On the House of Fëanor the wrath of the Valar lieth from the East unto the uttermost West, and upon all that shall follow them it shall be laid also..."_

Wait.

Fëanáro's non-existent heartbeat slowed as he realized.

Could Námo have made that foolish a mistake?

Fëanáro went over it again in his head. YES, he had!

Instantly he jumped up (as much as a disembodied fëa could) and went straight to see Námo.

"Ah, Fëanáro," Mandos said, looking down his nose at him. "Are you recovered, my dear child, from the pain of your epic fail?" (Okay, so he was gloating, but seeing as how the Firstborn before him had been the cause of every single one of Námo's headaches since the Two Trees were felled, Námo thought he quite deserved to gloat.)

"Yes, my lord," Fëanáro said simply, with an undercurrent of smugness. "And have you gotten over yours?"

Námo's face turned beet red. "Insolent Noldo!" he boomed in his Doom-of-Mandos voice, which was a bad choice because it only made Feanaro burst out laughing.

Seeing this, Námo became... a little bit nervous. Fëanáro was- as much as he hated to admit it- very intelligent; was there a chance he had figured out something that could damage Námo's carefully cultivated Doomsman image if someone else found out? "...What do you mean?" he asked, trying to still sound regal and failing.

"Your Doom," Fëanáro explained gleefully. "You told me, 'On the House of Feanor the wrath of the Valar lieth from the East unto the uttermost West, and upon all those who follow them it shall be laid also.' You then went on to list a myriad of punishments and consequences for my most noble house and _its _followers... only, you didn't."

"What do you mean, insolent Noldo?" boomed Námo, but less loudly than before.

"Well," Fëanáro explained, acting every bit the condescending professor he had been to his seven sons in Tirion, "a pronoun such as "them" describes the most recent plural noun in the sentence. "The House of Fëanor" is a singular, albeit collective, noun, and not plural. Can you tell me what the only plural noun preceding the word "them" is?"

Námo, the Lord of the Halls of Mandos and Doomsman of Arda, went deathly pale.

"Say it," Fëanáro commanded gleefully, relishing in being the one to gloat for a change.

"The... Valar?" Námo murmured, his voice actually squeaking.

"Exactly," Fëanáro proclaimed. "My dear lord Námo, you just doomed yourself, all the Powers of Arda, and every last one of your followers."

The most dignified reply the great Námo could manage was "BRAWRRRRRAAAARGHHHHH!" With that he went screaming and wailing in embarrassment out the door of Mandos (giving Fëanáro the chance to escape before one of Námo's Maiar lured him back inside with a piece of shiny silver jewelry), shooting straight across Ekkaia and into the Void.

It took all thirteen other Valar (and promises of regular beach vacations from Manwë and much encouragement from Vairë) to talk him back out again.

And that is why the Edain given Númenór fell and were drowned, the kingdom of the Faithful who escaped Númenór splintered within years, Frodo the savior of Middle-earth was wounded beyond repair in Middle-earth (Gandalf so totally knew what he was getting the poor Hobbit into), and the Ainur and Eldar of Aman had to deal with three hobbits and a dwarf for nearly three centuries. Not to mention that Námo had to deal with two more Kinslayings right on each other's heels, meaning large quantities mortal enemies in the same Halls, _six_ sons of Fëanáro, and an _extremely_ annoyed Vairë._  
_

(As for Fëanáro, the Valar couldn't decide whether or not to punish him for stating the truth, so they just ignored him, contenting themselves with visiting the Halls and saying, "Have you seen any other bright Valar?", "So-and-so is acting like the brood of Morgoth," and other reminders of Curufinwë Fëanáro's epic fail.)


End file.
